New Rejected Onion Headlines

Here are some more of my favorite rejected Onion headlines over the last few months:

No Way Area Kobold Has +6 To Hit

Radical Cleric Found Skateboarding

Forum Only Knows How To Get A Wine Bottle Into A Vagina

Privileged White Woman Deserves To Treat Herself Once In A While

Child Actor Willing To Do Nude

Area Boy Can't Wait To Learn What D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells

That Reminds Friend Of Totally Unrelated Thing She Was Waiting To Bring Up

Bully Making Some Legitimate Points

Pallbearer Just Got His Exercise For The Week

Fan-Fiction As Terrible As Source Material

Of Course Boyfriend Doesn’t Mind Spending Rest Of Day Smelling Like Strawberries

Woman In Mall On A Wednesday Afternoon Has Better Things To Do Than To Wait To Be Helped By Lane Bryant Cashier

Opinion: I Don’t Agree With What You Say, But I’ll Put Up A Half-Hearted Defense Of Your Right To Say It

Opinion: Son, All I Want To Know Is That You Tried Your Hardest To Live Up To My Impossible Expectations

Police At Tuskegee University Graduation Nervous As Students Hold Up Diplomas

Dramatist Father Giving Children, Audience Something To Cry About

Personalized Mix CD Essentially Just “Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 32” In Different Order

E-Readers Changing The Way We Avoid Reading

Google Ads Knows About Break-Up Before Boyfriend

Swear Jar Exchanged For More Whiskey

Man With No Money Or Business Plan Needs Bloggers

Erotic Story Class Told To Write What They Wish They Knew

Fifth Commandment Broken To Keep Ninth Commandment

Fixing "After Eden"

After Eden is my favorite comic strip. In an attempt to tell it like it is, artist Dan Lietha has created a terrifying world of sin and punishment based on cute observations.

I've been trying to improve on them ever since.

Original:



Fixed:

Response To Christopher Columbus

I recently found a book called "The Daily Spark: U.S. History," which asks students to answer questions about history. Finding it for a dollar, I thought I'd work on answering some questions in the book.

1. “Discovering America”

Christopher Columbus is often credited with “discovering” America, although the land he discovered was already inhabited. Imagine that you are one of the Native Americans who was living in North America when Columbus arrived. You later learn that he has taken credit for the “discovery” of your home. Write a response to his claim.

Dear Christopher Columbus,

Remember when you arrived on our land said, “India?” And we said “No?” And you said, slower, “India?” And we said, “We don’t know what an India is? Are you asking for food?” And you said, “Are you Indians?” And we said, “Oh boy. No is our answer?”

And you said, “If this is India then where is the silk?” And we said, “You’ve said two things now that we don’t understand or possess?” And you said, “Where did you get your gold jewelry?” And we said, “Oh. From the Lokono? They trade for stuff?” And you said, “Where in India are they?” And we said, “Is India a swear word?” And you said, “Show us to these other Indians?” And we said, “So it is a swear word?”

And you found them, and you said to them, “Where in India are we?” And they said, “What’s India?” And we said, “Don’t even try to figure it out? They use it for everything?” And you were like, “Give me your gold?” And they were like, “Rude?” And you were like, “We’ll kill everyone?” And they were like, “Whoa, okay, here is gold?” And you were like, “Gold!” And they were like, “Yeah, that’s what we gave you?” And you were like, “Gold!” And we were like, “Okay? We get it? Gold?” And you were like, “Our Queen owns you now?” And we were like, “Slow down? Are Queens Gods?” And you said, “No, there is one God?” And we said, “But that’s your Queen, right?” And you killed the one of us who said that? And you were like, “No more blasphemy?” And we were like, “Definitions of words help us to not do the things you don’t want?”

And you were like, “We will return?” And we were like, “It’s okay if you can’t because you have killed one of us and your horses are terrifying?” And you disappeared into the blue land? And you returned with more people? And those people started building homes? And they were like, “Move off our land?” And we were like, “What? Are you telling a Spanish joke because we do not understand your verbs and nouns so we feel rude for not laughing and also this is our land?”

And those people said, “Columbus discovered this land?” And we said, “More Spanish jokes? You must have a large portion of leisure time to have so many humorous sentences.” And those people killed the man who said that last part because they said we shouldn’t act up? And we said, “Wow? ‘Act up’? Wow?” And those people said, “Columbus discovered this land and its ours” And we said nothing?

We said nothing because we were angry, so that’s why we were rude and now you know our reason so you don't think we're stuck up or something.

Regards,

The Lucayan

New Onion Stories

I've got some new Onion stories up.

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

Fake Magazines On GameSpy

I'm back in GameSpy this week with some fake magazine covers for a non-existent past. How are you?

Short Interview Question

Writer Emily Gordon, who is an expert, asked me a question on her blog. "What would my doll look like and what would he say?"

Here's my answer.

New GameSpy Bit: Top 10 Worst Video Game Novelizations

I wrote another article for GameSpy out of sheer avarice. It's about the worst video game novelizations in the history of all forever time.